Introductions lacking biblical insight

Oh well.......here goes nothing. I suppose i should just publish this...................................

Before the vast readership disavows my existence, or my mom and sisters get annoyed, [which in reality they wouldn't] I think it's time to jump in and at least introduce myself as another contributer to this blog.

It's midevening monday. I figured I could stop looking for cheap land on realtor.com where I'd like to build eco housing for the masses. "Masses" is an overstatement as there is currently about 1/2 an acre of land for sale in los angeles. Maybe just an eco friendly garage for a hybrid hummer....but this is besides the point for this blog.

I am the youngest of the contributers. Living in on the west coast, I am currently in school studying Traditional Chinese Medicine. I don't really work right now. I have been spending the summer hanging with my 6 year old step-son who currently has a mohawk and wants to be a singer or dirtbiker when he grows up. I've been married for just over two years to a man who, to steal a phrase from my friend, is a passionate "save the world junkie." He's really cool and does things like play the guitar and sing Oasis and Pink Floyd songs to our 6 year old while he takes a bath. He does it really loudly so the neighbors can hear. He also does laundry which i hate.

I am interested in things like permaculture, sustainability and learning about ways to conserve energy and resources. (Hence the above reference to eco housing building). Also, by nature of what i'm studying I'm very interested in alternative cures instead of things like drugs and surgery, except when absolutely necessary. Lately I've been doing a lot of reading about childbirth and alternatives to using hospitals. I think I might want to be a Doula (birth coach, labor and delivery assistant etc...) when I grow up.

So this a bible study type blog.

I like Jesus.

I recently told one of my sisters that I haven't written anything yet because I tend to write a lot of "I feel" stuff and this isn't necessarily the place to do it. I continued to tell her that I came to a place a while back where i wasn't going to feign spirituality anymore just to fill space or make an awkward moment less awkward. (you know the feeling, you're in church or some place and some person with the microphone says, "Break into groups and pray." So you're there with two or three people. Maybe you ended up with the three shyest people in the entire place. Nobody is talking. All eyes are closed. You're wondering how much longer you have to sit there until microphone person says something to end the corporate prayer. You think "If i was in Africa I wouldn't be feeling this way because everyone prays in Africa...and loudly...and all together." But not here at church of the shy person. SO you break down. YOu say something. Maybe it was fitting. Maybe it was God led...but maybe you just felt so ....reeh...that you had to pray.)

...yeah. so I don't do that anymore. That was my long way of saying that.

I read Psalm 16. I read it in the NASV and The Message. I read it over and over and over. I like the message. But then, I"ve been told i'm just a victim of postmodernism.

Keep me safe oh God, I've run for dear life to you. I say to God, "Be my Lord!" Without you nothing makes sense. And these God Chosen lives all around--what splendid friends they make! Don't just go shopping for a God. Gods are not for sale. I swear I'll never treat god-names like brand-names. My choice is you, God, first and only. ANd now i find I'm your choice. You set me up with a house and a yard. And then you made me your heir! The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake is confirmed by my sleeping heart. Day and night I'll stick with God; I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go. I'm happy from the inside out, and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed. You canceled my ticket to hell--that's not my destination! Now you've got my fee on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I'm on the right way.

.....it is now 11:14 pm. not that i've been sitting in front of the computer for hours. I just came back. Don't have much to say. I could highlight vs. 5 where David realizes that he's also God's choice and mention how I questioned a while back if I just wasn't God's choice. I got over that sentiment rather quickly but it occassionaly lingers back into my mind. I've been on earth for the last few years and God has felt rather removed. And no matter how many times i think of the Footprints in the sand poem do I feel comfort. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking and looking and looking and then I seek him in the silence of my heart. ThenI look in the wanderings of my footsteps. And then I look for Him in these great stories of the bible where people like David could watch Bathsheba bathe, knock her up, kill off her husband, and forgive himself and ask forgiveness of God in the end...yet it all seems so removed from me. I've spent years asking the question, Where am I going wrong? Is it just that I'm not chosen? I know this walk with Jesus is hard and challenging, but for the love, throw me a bone here.

Vs. 2 BE MY LORD, w/o you nothing makes sense! This is the true sentiment of my heart. If there is one thing I hold cemented into the psyche of my being it is that this life and all its entrails make no sense without God. I truly "have no good without thee." (NASV) I could expound on these innerworkings of my mind but this isn't really the place. Perhaps it should just be known, this being my introduction and all, that I've finally come to a place of peace where if "this" is all there is then I will still continue to bless the Lord and follow. He has died for me. And while I'm not worthy, like Spin said, we would be wise to ponder the more lasting gifts God has given, and learn to just shut-up and say thank you--no strings of "you really shouldn't have" attached.

While I'm at peace. I'm not content. Because I want more. It's like a scene from the wedding singer where Adam Sandler goes in for a bank loan and says to the loan officer,

"I like money. I keep it in a jar on my fridge. I'd like to put more in there. That's where you come..."

I find myself saying to God sometimes:

I like Jesus. I keep looking around for him to infilatrate my life. I'd like to learn more about him. That's where you can help me....

I have no interest in other gods. I live in a city that is innundated with people latching on to whatever new form of faith is popularized by Hollywood. I am learning a profession which attracts a lot of spiritual people and their personalized hooey. I am not interest in the crap. Just give me Jesus.